I had been in a committed relationship for four years. I had also been acting out in the wet areas of health clubs for a year before I disclosed this behavior to my partner. Before and during my acting out, I would get a rush that I sought out again and again. Afterwards, I felt guilty because it was inconsistent with a monogamous relationship. I did not call it cheating because at the time it did not involve physical contact. I became less and less interested in initiating sex with my partner as my acting out continued and became my preferred substitute.

My partner first suspected that something was wrong in our relationship five months after I started to act out. The more I acted out, the more I withdrew from my relationship. I just was not present with him. He asked me if I was having an affair, and I told him no. We decided to go for couples counseling. Counseling taught us better communication skills and how to look at our issues from the other person’s perspective. I had been harboring a lot of resentment toward my partner regarding sexual, financial and even general fairness issues. This resentment triggered my acting out. As the result of the skills I learned in couples counseling, I was able to let go of most of the resentment I had for my partner. But, I never discussed my acting out during these sessions and after a few weeks we felt that we learned enough to stop counseling.

After about a year of my acting out, the guilt I was feeling started to build, and it began to affect my sexual performance with my partner. During one particular time, I suddenly could not perform. There was a tremendously awkward aura. We turned over and went to sleep, but I felt that I was going to have to explain what happened to me the next day.

We had dinner plans with another couple that next night, but I decided to cancel them. My partner went to work early in the morning. I thought and prayed about what I should tell him later that day. Ultimately, I decided to tell him the truth when we sat down together in the late afternoon after he got home from work.

I started off by telling him that I never had kissed anyone else while we were together, nor did I touch anyone else sexually (which was true then) or have any intercourse with anyone else. But I used the phrase “that said,” to create a link from the previous statement to tell him that “I think I have a problem.” I described my acting out behavior.

My partner later said that after hearing this, he felt like he had been hit in the gut. He had thought again that I was having an affair. Fortunately, at that time, my acting out did not progress into having physical contact with anyone else. He said later that if it had, he probably would have left me.

First, he was shocked but tried initially to be supportive. Then, he became angry and separated from me for five months. During that time, I went into counseling, stopped acting out, tried an SCA meeting and incorrectly thought I did not need it, and worked on re-building our relationship.

Since then, I have disclosed three subsequent relapses to him. My first disclosure of a relapse was during a therapy session. The therapist recognized my honesty, but this was very painful to my partner.

The second time my partner figured out that I relapsed due to my line of conversation, and I admitted it when he asked me pointblank. He gave me an ultimatum to stop acting out, or he was going to leave the relationship.

The last time I disclosed a relapse was another time after my partner asked me if I was acting out. This time, he tolerated my acting out because I was going through a period when I was strongly considering leaving our relationship. My acting out behavior devolved into physical contact with others during this time.

Since my last bottom a few weeks later, I have been on my Sexual Recovery Plan for the past five-and-a-half months.