Tell us how you initially came to the program.

I started to have a relationship with this person I’m still with today. I really, really felt connected. For the first time, I felt something really special. I didn’t think I had a problem, because I just thought everybody was doing what I was doing. When I met this person, I remember praying and asking God, “Please let me respect this one. Let me honor this one.” I thought I was unfaithful to other boyfriends because I was not strong, and I was not a good person. So, I thought, “Please God, with this person, let me good. Let me respect him.” I didn’t know I had a problem. In the beginning, the first couple of months were fine. The day after I got my HIV test–negative–was the first day I went into the steam room and almost acted out. Then I went again and then a little more. Then again, and again, until I just lost it. For the first time, I tried to stop, and I couldn’t. Before, I never tried to stop.

I started going to a therapist. And it was really hard. Nothing was happening. After one point, he told me about this, about SCA. And I remember I was shocked, really. I started crying. It was really horrible, because my mom is an alcoholic. And I thought all my life I’ve been wanting my mom to stop drinking, and this is what I’m now asking God to stop, because I could not imagine stopping.

Had you heard of SCA Before?

No. I heard my roommate making fun of a friend of his that went to it, and I remember thinking he was an asshole for that. But back then I sort of heard it but didn’t hear it. But that day in therapy I heard it. It was a Tuesday, and I went to my first meeting on Friday.

When you started in the program, did you think you would handle this on your own or did you think at some point you were going to have to involve your partner?

It was almost more like confession. That was not the most difficult part of me to go and say everything. I mean it was difficult, but it was not the hardest part. Because I thought, “I’ll go, I’ll say everything, and everything will be fine. Come on let’s fix it now.”

Were you thinking about “confessing” to your partner?

No. Not at all. I thought I’ll just stop it, and then I won’t have to tell him, ever. It’ll be fine. I’ll just stop it, and then we’ll just continue and be happy. Basically, I’ll just go and do what my doctor says. If I follow what this authority figure says, I’ll be a good boy, and things will be fine.

I hated it in the beginning. I hated the people. I did not want to be with these people. I’m not like them. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. It was really bad. I even said it one time in a meeting. But, the truth was, I started hearing things, and I was like, “Oh my God. I understand what they’re saying.” I understood. So, I just kept going.

Did you have to hide where you were going?

Because my mom is an alcoholic, I told him I was going to Al-Anon. So, that helped. He was super happy that I was doing something for myself. I was feeling like a hypocrite, but I thought at least I was doing something good. Although in the beginning in the first few months, I was still acting out. It was really hard. But, then I made the plan with a friend on a napkin in a diner on my lunch break. The next day I broke it. I acted out totally unexpectedly. And then after that I stayed on it.

So, you have a year and some months on your plan?

A year and three months.

How did you arrive to the point where you were ready to share with your partner?

I started getting very involved in it. Motivated with it. I see now that my main motivation was him. Not exactly me. It was for me only in that I really wanted that relationship, and I didn’t want the relationship to end. I started working the first step, really diligently. Really, really focused. And I was getting better. So, little by little, I was getting too upset every time my boyfriend told me that he loves me. Inside I thought, “If you only knew what I’ve done. If you only knew what I was like.” I don’t think I ever lied in that he never asked me directly “have you been unfaithful?” So, I managed not to lie, but I would ride the train in the morning, and it got to the point where I couldn’t breath. I would cry during my lunch break. I would cry on the train, because it was too much pressure when he told me he loved me when I was alone with him. I needed peace. I needed it to be clear. I thought, “I love this guy, and he deserves the truth.” He deserves to know who I am. I think my therapist was always thinking I should tell him. He never told me to. He was always trying to tell me what the concept of being completely honest would be. I thought it would be impossible, because I thought he was going to break up with me. By that time I had a sponsor who was very spiritual. I reconnected with my spiritual side.

Was there planning involved in your telling him or did it just happen?

I didn’t think at all when I came in that I would ever tell him. I thought he was going to break up with me. That is what I thought. But, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I spoke with my sponsor, and he asked me, “Has God ever left you alone?”

I thought, “No. I cannot really say that.” That thought of God or higher power helped me think that I would be OK, even if the worst happened, which I thought was going to happen.

So, what happened was every time my boyfriend told me he loved me, I would say to him “Are you sure?” “Whatever?” “In any circumstance?” A couple of weeks would go by with my stupid jokes like this. One day I called him the morning when I got to the city, because I always call him when I get into the city. I was having my eggs, and I called him and said, “Hey, I’m in the city.”

He said, “Ok. Good bye. I love you.”

And I said, “Are you sure you love me? Really, really love me?”

He asked, “Is there anything you have to tell me?”

I had made a point to my sponsor never to lie to him. So, I was like “fuck.” I said “yeah.”

He said, “OK. What is it?”

I said, “Well, it’s about you and me and my therapy. It has to do with my meetings.”

He was driving, and the call got disconnected. I said, “Thank God,” because I didn’t know what to say. So, I immediately called my sponsor. And then, I called my friend from program.

“He’s asking me! What am I going to say? What am I going to say?”

This friend said, “Do not say anything on the phone. Do not tell him over the phone. You have to say it in person. Because, it’s going to be very difficult.”

So, I managed to avoid his calls when I met with this friend from program. And I said, “I’m going to have to tell him.”

In that time, my boyfriend sent me a text message saying, “Have you been with someone else?” He kind of figured something out. And I did not answer, so he was freaking out.

So, at lunch, I was with my friend, I called him. And he was starting to ask me directly, “Have you cheated on me?” And I would say, “I have to talk to you in person. I won’t talk to you over the phone.” My friend wrote on a napkin “I will meet you now. I won’t say it over the phone”.

My boyfriend was saying, “This is the worst thing you could do to me. Tell me now. Don’t do this to me.”

It was horrible. I had a meeting at work, but I just left work and got into a cab across town. I met with him in a car. And I started bawling. And I just told him, “The meetings I’ve been going to are not Al-Anon. They are SCA.”

I had I think 80 days on my plan at that point. “There’s a plan I’ve been writing. I have a sponsor.” What he did which was very typical and horrifying. He started asking me details by details. He asked me about persons, friends, places, times, numbers, circumstances. It was really grueling, but I answered everything.

Did you answer him truthfully?

I could not lie anymore. If anything, I really needed clarity. I thought, “truth will set you free.” He made it very easy, because he kept asking, asking, and I was answering. Actually, it was pretty horrible, because I did have sex with friends of mine that he already knew, and it was really hurtful. It was very hard. For some reason, he trusted me. He trusted my concern, and he trusted that I had discovered this. At the end, I asked “So what do you want to do? Leave the house for awhile?” He said no. I couldn’t believe it.

Prior to this, had you shared your dilemma of “Telling him or not telling him” in the rooms?

I shared constantly. I was so ashamed that people would think,“Oh my God, that guy with the boyfriend is going to talk again.”

“Just my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend.”

“I don’t know if you guys know, but I have a boyfriend.”

I was so embarrassed, but I talked. I shared and shared and shared and shared. Some people gave me advice. Some people didn’t. Some people told me I didn’t have to tell him under any circumstances until after a year on my plan. I just found out, you find your own way in the program. Because, I just couldn’t do that. I had to tell him.

Did your partner have any personal experience with recovery that helped make it easier for him to see sex addiction as an illness?

Before I told him, he realized he was an alcoholic. One time, he called me at the office. He was crying and saying he thought he was an alcoholic, and I said, “That’s fine, no problem.”

By the time I started SCA, he had started going to AA meetings, so that helped. The language helped. That did make a difference. We were able to talk.

And we do have a big compatibility on the spiritual side, even though, I had lost myself from it. What he told me afterwards that my honesty to him was one of the most attractive things, and it made him think of me as more virile, masculine or something like that. Even though, it was very difficult for me to think of myself as strong, he saw it as a sign of strength. I think that maybe it was strength because I really thought he was going to break up with me, and I was terrified of that. But, I still thought that I could not lie to him anymore. Or have him in the darkness with this strange idea of who I was or what I was going through. So, I think he cherished that.

Did this open up something in your relationship?

I think this gave the relationship a chance. It would have ended not long after that time. I see that very clearly. And it would’ve been horrifying if he would ever found out. He’s not perfect, but he really tries to be an honest person. Honesty is very important to him. I think if I had not shown some sign of being trustworthy, he wouldn’t have been able to forgive me.

So, it’s been a year since you told him. How do talk about it now?

At first, it was amazing. My boyfriend forgave me. Thank you, God. And I would go to meetings and tell people about how amazing it was. He told me that if I remembered anything else, he wanted me to tell him. So, the next few days, I kept remembering things. “Oh, yeah. I did do something in the train station by our house.” It was really, really grueling. Poor guy. I was little anal about being specific. But, I just need to let it out. It was great for a while. But, after a month or so, he kind of woke up to the reality, and he would say. “Whoa. Wait a minute. What exactly did you do with this person?” And I would say, “We just kissed.” And he would get so upset. And he told me, “I don’t think I could take it if you had a slip, even though I know you love me, I don’t think I could take it.” Other times he would be very concerned about me going out to the gym. It required a lot of humility. My instant reaction was “Fuck! I’ve been honest with you. And that’s enough, right?”

Do you think this is something that requires constant discussion?

I think he understands everything, but every once in a while he’ll call me and ask me, “Where are you?” and that “where are you” comes with a little suspicion. He tries to be very respectful. But, sometimes I hear that little worry in his voice. Also, there was a time when I was masturbating next to him in the bed because he was too tired, and he basically shamed me. “What’s that? What’s the difference between that and acting out?”

So, we’ve gone through different stages. But, I realize that the channel of intimacy to talk and share about this is open. I don’t have to tell him every single thing I’m struggling with him. I don’t think it’s healthy for him or for me. I have it very clear if anything should happen and I cannot guarantee it won’t, I will absolutely tell him. That’s something that I have made very clear. That helps me to know that if I ever have a slip, I have to tell him, and that could mean the end of the relationship.

How would you counsel somebody who is wresting with the question of “to-tell or not-to-tell?”

I think it’s very personal depending on the person’s circumstances. What helped me was to go to meetings and listen. Share, too, but mostly listen. Some people were advising me absolutely not to tell and some people wouldn’t say anything. At the end of the story, because I was able to share and get feedback and information, I came up with my own decision. It felt right. I knew inside that I could not go on. If you look for the answer, you’ll find it. It helps a lot to have a sponsor—to have a one-on-one outside of the big group. Definitely, put it completely in the hands of your higher power. With all the pain in my heart, I let it go. It was the best thing for my boyfriend, because I love him and he deserves my truth. Because I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I was willing to risk it all. But, I didn’t risk it just like that. I really thought there was something else with me. And even in the worst-case scnario, I would be OK. I trusted my higher power.