I've been in SCA for over a year. I'm counting days again after having a slip at seven months on my plan. Like many of us I grew up in a severely dysfunctional home with a lot of emotional pain, melodrama, anger, some physical violence and a great deal of neglect. My earliest memories are of feeling a very heavy sense of despair and isolation. That's not to say that there was no love or affection or happy times; but the pain and fear greatly outweighed any joy or confidence or inherent sense that life was okay. Somehow my child's mind turned it all into shame and a completely unrealistic sense of responsibility.
My two sisters were older and out of the house as I grew up, so our household was me, my mother and my father. A typical scene would include: my parents arguing for hours; me, being forced to watch and listen; some light violence; my father going to bed; and then, me, the ten year old being left to baby-sit my mother, who would threaten to leave or commit suicide. She would do things like open the car door as we drove along, saying that she was going to jump. All of this left me with a dangerous knowledge that I had to dig in and somehow get everyone through these episodes; and worse that no matter how awful things got I could handle it by sheer will and inner strength and determination. I grew up believing that ultimately no one would ever be there for me. I was on my own.
I developed a great confidence in my ability to endure any situation. This idea has not been a great help to my recovery. I am gay. This caused me a lot of shame and heartache as an adolescent. When I discovered masturbation, I was compulsive about it. Even then, sex was out of control. I felt that I shouldn't be masturbating, but of course I couldn't stop. I internalized all the worry and shame behind it, thinking I was a pervert or queer. Because I was so screwed up, I would have no chance for a fulfilling life. I didn't begin having sex with other people until college. For a few years after college, sex and relationships were fairly normal for me. I was monogamous in relationships. I used sex, however, as a barometer of how the relationship was going. If my partner didn't want a great deal of sex, I felt unloved and unwanted.
After one of these relationships ended, I found out about a couple of cruising places in parks and at my gym. My compulsive behavior took off. Soon I was having sex most days. I was troubled by my inability to stop when I wanted to. I found out about two outdoor acting-out places and began to go there almost every night. I would go to a bar and if I couldn't find anyone there I would go to these parks. That led me to using sex phonelines and meeting people that way. Already I knew that something was wrong. I was looking for sex when I didn't want to and I was out of control. I remember once while shopping with my sisters in a mall, I kept finding excuses to slip away to cruise the restrooms.
Then I moved from Minnesota to New York to move in with a lover. When we subsequently broke up, my addiction really accelerated. On a daily basis, I was cruising and having compulsive sex at the gym, in parks, and tea-rooms. I was unable to stop for more than a few days. I found myself stuck in acting-out places, unable to leave without having sex which sometimes took hours. I was depressed. My life wasn't working. I felt as if my life was at a dead-end. I had been in therapy for some time and it helped, but it wasn't until I was able to admit my sex life was out of control and go to an SCA meeting that things began to get better. At my first meeting I knew SCA was right for me and I've been here ever since.
Shortly after arriving in SCA, I had a slip in which I found myself running, in a blind panic, along a busy expressway because the police has discovered me acting-out. I really experienced "unmanageability" that night! After I knew I had gotten away from the police, I immediately felt calm and was ready to continue acting out. When I think about it now, it astounds me that one minute I could be in blind panic, feeling as if my life was falling apart completely, and moments later wanted to act even more in the same place! After that, I was able to get some time together on my sexual recovery plan. I had a relapse recently but I'm back on my plan again. The slip helped me to see that I lose my peace of mind when I act out.
Recovery has been a great gift. Slowly sobriety is giving me the gift of participating in life again. It's a huge blessing not to be as isolated as I was. The courage that I hear and see in the rooms has given me the strength to ask for help and allow people into my life. And even more miraculous, I am beginning to really feel what it is to be love and cared for. I have a sponsor who has shown me more compassion and grace than I've ever known. My relationship with him and others in the program is healing those old wounds that in the past have kept me paralysed in hopelessness. Today I can say that most of the time I feel a security and foundation I can trust in.
I feel a sense of lightness and the presence of my life-force now. Being in the program has shown me that if I can be willing to choose a spiritual path for my life I'll be free to live my life and really experience it as my higher power intends me to. I am still frightened when I face the fact that I really am an addict and it's hard to keep stepping up to the plate with willingness and rigorous honesty. But it's an infinitely richer life than I had in my active addiction.
My apartment is turning into a home rather than being just a roof over my head. I just bought my first sofa which was a big step. I have always had a fear of settling in, but now I can give myself the gift of a sanctuary. After fifteen years I've been able to quit smoking, which is a huge grace. Cigarettes drained me of energy and so many other things for so long. The greatest gift has been a new relationship with my higher power. The knowledge and awareness of the creator's presence in my life has meant everything. For the first time I truly believe that I can be restored to the life God wants for me. Life can be fulfilling and joyful and rich. I am so grateful to everyone in SCA for giving me the second chance I so desperately needed. I will keep coming back because I know it works.