DEAR LOVER, RELATIVE, FRIEND OF A SEXUAL COMPULSIVE    

by Bradley W.

   Right about the time of my 30th birthday, I met this gorgeous guy -- a 
mutual friend introduced us.  I manipulated our next meeting and finally 
got him over for lunch where I learned he had had "some gay experience".  
That was the green light I was looking for.  I chose to ignore the subtle 
reticence I perceived in him.  That reticence turned out to be his 
particular brand of sexual compulsion which, without going into detail, 
had kept him from mature, intimate relationships.  I didn't know then that 
the way I kept myself from mature, intimate relationships was to 
systematically fall in love with people who had another priority:  
sexual, alcohol or drug addiction.  This way I could be guaranteed the 
victim role (a role I've been comfortable with since childhood) and blame 
any lack of intimacy, sexual satisfaction or joy on him.  Very clever:  I 
didn't take any responsibility for my happiness; it was all up to him.

This recipe for trouble is my particular brand of sexual compulsion: I'm a 
co-sexual compulsive -- someone whose life became unmanageable due to 
someone ELSE's sexual compulsion.  This gorgeous guy chose to tell me 
about his sexual addiction, and the suffering it caused him, at the 
beginning of our relationship.  My first thought upon hearing his dramatic 
and painful story was to make up to him his suffering and pain with my 
love and compassion.  I wanted to save him.  Later I discovered that this 
desire is the top part of the co-addict/addict ratio:  GRANDIOSITY over 
low self-esteem. Needless to say, I didn't save him.

Fortunately for him, he (and perhaps God) saved himself.  Paradoxically, 
it was this relationship that catalyzed MY being saved from a lifetime of 
unhappiness and perhaps even suicide.  In the beginning I kicked and 
screamed.  I made ultimatums; I forced him to stop certain relationships; 
I berated him.  I rewarded him with love and I punished him by withholding 
it.  All in all, I contributed to both our low self-esteem and I became a 
controlling maniac giving up my friendships, my creative work, my life.  
I was even becoming physically ill as a result of this obsession with 
someone else's life.  I became a supreme spy.  I liked to say that I could 
tell what he was up to by reading the molecules upon entering a room that 
he was in or had been in.  To be right became my only objective.

He found SCA, but I didn't need a program.  I was in therapy and that was 
enough.  Yet I was still in extreme pain, slipping further and further 
from reality. Everything was contingent on his each and every sign of 
affection.  Sex, and how well he performed it, was the most important sign 
of his love for me.  I became a different kind of a sex addict, constantly 
manipulating sex with him.

A friend urged me for six months to try Al-Anon, a 12-Step program for 
relatives and friends of alcoholics, for lack of some other place to go.  
Finally I got there on my hands and knees.  Even though it was hard at 
first with all the emphasis on alcohol, I saw quickly that the core issues 
were the same and felt at home with these people who were getting better.  
Eventually I met others in the rooms whose lovers were sexual compulsives.  
Bob R was one of them.  It was his idea to start a meeting based on 
Al-Anon for relatives and friends of sexual compulsives.  I qualified at 
the first SCA-Anon meeting on November 24, 1987. It still meets on 
Tuesdays at 6:30 PM at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center on 13th Street 
in Manhattan.

So this is a success story.  It's been a painful and joyous road to 
recovery. I can't count the times I've laughed and cried, or the number of 
friends I've made.  Today, this man and I are on a Spiritual path of 
recovery, even though for us our lover relationship has ended.  But I am 
very grateful to this partner of four years and I love him very much.

Most SCA-Anon members remain in their relationships and are learning that 
true intimacy is possible one day at a time.  SCA-Anon and Al-Anon give us 
tools to feel our original feelings underneath the anger and rage, and 
tools of communication with the ones we love.  Anyone interested in 
starting an SCA-Anon meeting can write or call me (c/o the SCAnner), and I 
will send you our combination of literature from Al-Anon and the 
co-dependency unit of Golden Valley Health Center in Golden Valley, MN.  
We recommend that members of SCA-Anon attend Al-Anon meetings because of 
its long history and its addressing of like issues such as low 
self-esteem, control and shame; and Al-Anon is the place to go for 
structuring an SCA-Anon meeting.