Forgive them; for they know not what they do....
Hi God:
This recovery business is a lot harder, and a lot more confusing, than I ever thought it would be. For one thing, I never really thought that recovery was, and is, my responsibility. Somehow, I thought at first that my Sponsor and the guys in the meetings and the Program itself would take care of that and all I had to do was go along for the ride. I see now that it certainly doesn't work that way... And lucky for me it doesn't! I got myself into this dis-ease, as they call it, and it's strictly up to me to get myself out of it. My Sponsor, the guys in the meetings and the Program are tools and are a big help, but without my active participation in my recovery, forget it.
The Bible says that Jesus said from the cross: "Father forgive them; for they know not what they do." Or something like that. I'm not a big fan of the Bible, but I think that's the gist of it. Well, I'm seeing that that applies to me, and my life, right here and right now, as well.
People all around me are being themselves and doing their thing and a lot of that really bums me out -- pisses me off, really. I used to think -- and still do much of the time -- that how nice it would be if my partner would only come round to my way of thinking, and do things my way instead of his. He really bugs me a lot of the time... his opinions clash with mine... his daily doings often embarrass me, or just plain don't make sense to me.
And other people... wow! Sometimes I just can't figure out where they're coming from... why they do some of the things they do... why they react to me the way they often do... Why can't they be nice and peaceful like me...
And those jerks in politics and in charge of the way things are run around here. Man! If only they'd let me...
Well, God, my Friend, I think I'm finally beginning to figure it out... the way You mean for things to work. It finally dawned on me that I'm sure not meant to run things and have things go totally my way... And thank You for that! Amen! Now I'm not saying that I'm practicing this all the time, but at least I'm aware of it more of the time. That's a good start, isn't it?
The big thing about this realization is that I can exist very well, thank you, no matter how others react toward me, or no matter what they do to bug me or put me down or not come across like I'd like them to or whatever. Of course, if they pulled out a gun and let me have it, I might not exist any longer here, but that's a little different story, although maybe that's just what You had in mind at the time anyway. Who am I to try to figure out what You've got in mind! Why should I be particularly bothered because someone doesn't like my shirt, or the cereal I eat, the way I comb my hair, or the way I leave a few little crumbs in the sink? That's just the way I am. If they try to change me, they're going to have a hard time of it. If I try to change them, I'll have an even harder time -- even though they do bother the hell out of me.
I guess what I'm trying to get at, God old Buddy, is that each and every person around here is doing just what he can, and what he knows how to do at the moment. And he's living and acting just as You've planned even though it's pretty hard to make sense of it. Pardon my blasphemy or whatever the wise ones might choose to call it.
So, God, I'm realizing, and slowly learning, that the best thing for me is to look at everyone else with love and peace. Look at them as brothers and sisters, because that's precisely what they are. The things they do, they might do out of ignorance of what's really right for them, what's really best for them and for all those around them. At the moment, they just don't know any better. That's fine. I can feel hurt by what someone does or says, or not do or say, but it doesn't mean I'm going to wither up and die. I certainly have a right, as we all do, to let them know how what they're doing or saying affects me. But I don't have a right to step in and say, "Hey, get a life! What's with you, anyway? When are you going to wise up?" Those things are between them and You.
You know, God, I sort of like that way of thinking... How's about helping me really accept that and really live it. Sure makes sense, but I've got a lot of garbage to get rid of before I can adopt that principle. Know any good trash pickup outfits?
Love you....
Thursday...
Forgive me; when I know not what I'm doing...
Hi God:
Well, it's me again. I've been thinking a little more about what I wrote in that last letter. You know, there's a lot of times when I run around doing things and I don't know what I'm doing either. Like when I hit the tearooms, looking wildly for some kind of attention -- read that SEX -- no matter how much danger it was, or how filthy the place. Or when I booze it up a little too much. Or spending time on the computer BBS getting off with someone I've never met, and not likely ever will. Anonymous! You bet. Just about as anonymous as I can get. Just having fun! After all, I've been working really hard, and I deserve a break. Sure I do!
Or when I spend a lot of time ogling that hunk walking down the street. Poor guy. Likely he doesn't know it, and if he did, I doubt if he'd appreciate it at all. Not at all. But I can dream, can't I?
Or when I judge other people by my own set of "values," however screwed up these might be. Thinking they are wrong, and I'm right. Or when I put someone else down for being who they are, just because there's something about them that bugs me, or rubs me the wrong way, or I didn't get what I thought I needed from them.
Yep, there are times, all right, when I don't really know what I'm doing and later I realize that I really went off bonkers. Big time! Just who do I think I am when I go off the path You've laid out for me and wander out into left field? So I guess what I'm saying here, good Buddy, is that I could sure use some of Your help in getting back to knowing just what I'm doing when I'm doing it, or -- better yet -- when I'm just about to do it. Guess that's what the Program means when it says that it's good for me to turn my life and my will over to a power higher than myself. That's You, isn't it? Why is that so hard to do? How's about it? Help me out here, OK?
Your kid,
Saturday...
Forgive me; when I forget who I am...
Back again, God, my Friend...
Been thinking again. And it's not all that dangerous. Really!
I've been thinking about that when I'm doing weird things, like acting out and such, that I'm really forgetting just who I am. I'm forgetting all the things I've learned over the years from the Program and other places about how I'm one of Your creations, just like everyone and everything else. That makes me feel pretty special. And I see that I'm not living up to that concept by screwing myself up with these activities.
Here I am, shining in Your light... basking in Your love and You're not spending any time judging the stuff I do; no matter how weird or destructive. I imagine You must get pissed now and then at me, but You sure don't show it. I mean no bolt of lightning has zapped me yet, and there's a lot of people who'd say I really deserve a bundle of them. And You keep coming back to me -- right here inside, here near my heart, right? -- and whispering things that are "right" for me to be doing. Things that are healthy for me. Things that won't get me into Heaven later on when I finally kick the bucket, but let me realize Heaven can be right here and now, this minute, if I let it. Things that You meant for me when You put me together out of all those molecules and atoms and things that are always floating around this Universe of Yours.
So what do I do? I go act out. Out of frustration? Meanness? Loneliness? Fear? Doubt? Cussedness? Who knows? I guess You do, but I sure don't. I'm just forgetting who I am -- Your loving creation -- and just going off and doing my own thing. And creating my own Hell when I do it. The way You set things up, as I see it, when I screw myself up, I get punished for it by being miserable -- some look at it as just plain Hell. And when I finally get on the right track for me, then I get rewarded by living and seeing just how great and beautiful life is and can be. And that happens often enough for me to realize that that's the way things work. That's the way You set up the rules. Right?
Now, all I have to do is live by Your guidelines -- some call it God's Will -- more and more, and pretty soon -- who knows -- I just might get as close to being like You as is possible. Well, maybe not in this existence, but someday... Hey, You know, that sounds really good. Help me to get there, OK?
Your loving son...